wanna go halves on a baby?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
