Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
