You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
