Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
