Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
