Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
