Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
