and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
