Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
