I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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