the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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