he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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