I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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