Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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