my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
