Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
