I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You took a bar mat shot.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
