Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
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sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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