just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
