Hey man sorry I got all grabby
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
