I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
