Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
