His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
