roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
