Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
