You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
