I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
