How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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