The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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