this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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