you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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