It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
