This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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