i was rollin on her like bob the builder
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
