Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
