Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
