I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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