I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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