Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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