I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When are your genitals available?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
