My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
