did you get engaged???
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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