I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
