The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
