I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
