Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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