tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
