this boner is exhausting
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
