Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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