Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
