Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
