two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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