I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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