The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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