I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
